music: Putumayo presents brazilian lounge by Ms.Wank

I've been a putumayo fan for ages now. Even though I find the label "world music" a bit ambiguous...isn't all music "world" music??

anyway, if you're new to putumayo's compilations, I gess it's safe to recomend this one as a starter.

The song I liked the most was Bid featuring Seu Jorge (one of the brazilian artists I like the most at the moment) : "e depois..." which is a smooth and jazzy tune that talks about what will eventually happen after two lovers meet, talk, listen to a cd and kiss...

Here's the track listing:

1. Brigas Nunca Mais - Paula Morelenbaum

2. Meu Esquema - Mundo Livre

3. Ha Dias - Luca Mundaca

4. Previsao - Bossacucanova

5. Agua De Coco - Marcos Valle

6. Mariana - Bia

7. Parece Mentira - Katia B

8. E Depois... - Bid feat Seu Jorge

9. August Day Song (Remixed By King Britt) - Bebel Gilberto

10. Como Vou Fazer (Remix) - Dois Irmaos

11. Os Grilos - Marcela

12. Saudade Fez Um Samba - Marissa

RIAA this if you like every artist in this compil, and lounge in general...

7/10 This is a great lounge compilation. Get it, period.

Movie: Grindhouse – Planet Terror and Death Proof by Mr. Piggy

Goddam! Just finished watching part 1 and part 2 and let me tell you, if this was a friendly challenge between Rodriguez and Tarantino, then Tarantino beat Rodriguez by a big fat margin…

First up, planet terror. Here, master Rodriguez (of El Desperado, and the colossal Sin City) basically paid tribute to most B-rated zombie movies made during the 60’s and 70’s in the USA. You got it all, virus outbreak, zombie city, shady military wing, sexy girls, kung fu expert hero, all that with a cherry on top: bad quality film, unexpected dialogs and twirly script.

I really enjoyed watching this movie, it was like a study of everything a bad movie should have! It was so fucking bad that it became fucking great!
One thing I like about this director, apart from the fact that he takes the soundtracks really seriously, is his sense of humor (go watch all Desperados and you’ll understand what I mean). That sex scene with the one legged stripper…sorry, go go dancer… was off the hook. I haven’t laughed like that in a long while.
The down points: What I didn’t like perhaps was that at one point Rodriguez was pushing it a bit too far… I mean he made a real effort for the movie to look old but then stretched the end a bit too much…Specially when the hero dies (yup, just spoilt it, the hero dies hehehehehehe, at least the one you THINK is the hero).

Anyways, it’s a real fun movie. I really enjoyed it.

I’ll give a solid 7/10 lics

Now for the main dish…

Death Proof is one motherfucker of a road kill movie! This is solid shit!

First and foremost, the actors, or rather the actresses…I don’t know where the hell Tarantino found these women, but let tell you, he has an eye for talent… and another one for ass… These are some beautiful women, who can deliver strong dialog. Tarantino is, in my opinion, a great women director (Jackie brown, kill bill and now death wish).

Secondly, the dialog scenes, which is were this director truly excels. This movie is divided basically is two parts, both of which have two scenes where we get to know the characters from their own voice. And let me tell you, for a while there, I almost wished I was a hot girl… Specially the part where Jungle Julie and her friend Marcy are at the bar explaining to Butterfly what could happen if a certain poem was said in a certain way (go see the fucking movie, will you). Damn that was something.

I also love the fact that Tarantino is a master at recycling everything, from all around “Americana” music to Kurt Russell. I just fucking love it man!

Third, the missing reels touch AND THE FUCKING TRAILERS!!! Nicholas Cage as FU MANCHU MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! That one had me laughing my ass off. OHHHH and the trailer for “Thanksgiving”!! WHAT THE FUCK??!!! RE-MWAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Fourth and finally, the road chase. If this movie is a tribute to something, then it’s definitely to every great road chase movie ever made!

The down points: the lapdance… If you’ve seen the movie, you’ll understand…

10/10 lics… Peeeerfection… no, really, peeeeerfection…

Music: Radiohead – In Rainbows by Mr. Piggy

So while everybody else was wondering if 50 cents would really give up music because he was short of some 100 thousand dollars worth of a bet he lost against Kanye West, some people were doing something a bit more real (yes, more real than the almighty dollar…)

Regardless of whether you’re a fan or not, you’ve got to take your hat off for the way “In Rainbows” was sold. By now you must’ve surely heard about this album (unless you live in a cave somewhere in Afghanistan).
How much did I pay for it? Well it doesn’t really matter does it? coz whether I paid nil or 200Usd for this, “In rainbows” is a massive dildo stuck in RIAA’s tiny ass (note, without Vaseline) or any recording industry that sues single mothers of three.

Now, for the album itself…

It’s raw, and reminded me a lot of “Pablo Honey”. So if you’re looking for nice keyboards and PC effects, a la “Kid A”, go look elsewhere. This is pure guitar, bass, drums and Thom Yorke’s lungs.
It’s Radiohead at its barest, and, stop me if I’m exaggerating, most honest since my favorite “the bends”.
Tracks to look out for: Nude, House of Cards and Jigsaw falling into place.

“In Rainbows” will most likely not be remembered as Radiohead’s best album, but rather as it’s most daring and certainly as one of it’s most interesting projects to date.

RIAA this…wait…you don’t need to RIAA this album! You can get it for FREE!!! So get it for free if you like: honesty, respect, utorrent, emule and the open source movement.

6/10 for the music. Not anywhere as powerful as “the bends”
10/10 for having the balls to respect their fans while giving the finger to “the man”

music: ayo - Joyfull by mr. Piggy

I have a confession to make...

I'm no longer in love with Sade.

She was too... snobyish for me...

I mean...I've written her exactly 2945 letters, 14215 emails, I also collect her nails, hairs, and have a wall in my bedroom just for her.

I've extensively written telegraphs, I've tried to call her, fax her, I even trained pigeons to follow her wherever she went...

And nothing.... She doesn't answer me or return my calls. Even worse, every time I try to contact her, her boyfriend attacks me and roughs me up. One day the police even arrested me. But even though I'll receive a restraining order if I get within 1 kilometer of her, I'll always love her...

Anyways, not everything is lost....

Coz now I've found a new love, and her name is Ayo...She has the voice of the sea hitting the shore. If ever there was a voice that could immediatly make me smile, ayo's would be it.

She plays and sings neo-soul/jazz...and as soon as I can I'll follow her wherever she goes, coz ' she's mine....only mine... muahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

RIAA this if you like: Sade (I love you...), Jill Scott, Goapele, Erykah Badu, India Arie.

9/10 coz' giving her a 10 would be stating the obvious, that she's perfect

Music: My Chemical Romance - The Black Parade by Mr.Piggy

Ok so this is not exactly new stuff...

This kind of music has been done over and over again, countless and countless times. Yet, after listening to the track "famous last tracks" I kind of started liking these guys.Of course you'd say that after 2 bottles of champagne I'd probably like a blowjob from Ol' Dirty Bastard, but hey,that's my opinion so if you don't like it you can all just go to hell (like in the track "mama")...

So what exactly sets this band apart...hmm..well they're from the good ol' USA...

ok so that doesn't exacty make them special...how about they're a teenage oriented pop rock band?...

ok ok, so are 1000s of other bands you'll say, but hey, it kinda makes them more listenable than Britney Spears...And you've got to congratulate them for that right? I mean, not that it's a major feat, but it is still something...

Look, this is pop rock, and pop rock is, well, popyish, so basically after you've heard one band, you've heard them all.What's cool about this album though is that it made me sing aloud "mama we're full of lies" while dancing the polka...naked... and drunk... and I did have fun, even when the police took me away to prison. Again.

4/10 lics for giving me an early hangover from shaking my head so fast while listening to "this is how I disappear"

RIAA this if you like: every band in MTV with the label "rock", starting with April Lavigne

(Ms Wank: and that, my friends, was the most boring music review ever...)

Aunt Agony Agonizes

Every once in a while our Sex and Masturbation, I mean, Relationships experts will answer our reader's emails. Please bear with us while we try to fix you.

This week, with our very own Aunt Agony

" Dear Auntie,

Ma name iz Joe and I'm 16. Rccently I met thiz girl, and man, she is hot! she's gotz a sporty boddy full of muscles, more muscles even than mme, she's also very strrong and I find everythng about her sexy, even her beard and ocasionnally stronng voice. Her name is Marty, ad it means "little flower" in katmandu. My class mates told me.

Ma problem is that I do not haave the courage to, like, approach her and stuff...you know, tell her my inner feelings and shit...I'm very shy, alsso because I'm a bit blind and ma glasses are very thickk.

On top of that, whenever I try to talk to her, her best friend, who's with her whenever they ggo, attacks me... I still don't understand why, I think she's being overly protecctive, you know. She even tried too make me stopp wanting my sweet Marty by tellling me that she was a boy...cann you bilieve that? How cann she say somthing like that about her own best friedn??

Anyways, Auntie, wat shoul I do?"

Hello Joe, you gay son of a b*****, you little flower.

Marty, Martin or man Marty, is really a female who had an operation and would now like to be a man. So can you now guess what you have to do? I bet you can’t because you’re an idiot.

Let me tell you then, you first have to go to his best friend (who really is by the way his girlfriend) and tell her his real story.
Secondly, as a helpful Samaritan you also need to start spreading a rumour, I mean letting the whole world know who Marty really is, by going to your local newspaper and TV station and letting them know how he was really born.
While you are at it you can also tell them that Marty’s parents aren’t his biological parents and his real parents didn’t love him (Well you might as well tell the whole gruesome story all at once, that are you some sort of pervert and that you would really want to kill him slowly).

Then you go to Marty and try to comfort him as now you are his only friend, since by now everyone should have abandoned him, especially if your story was good. When you go see him, take with you that thing that they use in the movies with a cloth and some sort of spirit that makes people go to sleep when it comes in contact with the nose, you know what I’m talking about hey you little devil ;-), you’ve used it before hey? this will make him voluntarily go into any car trunk.

The next step is to lock him in your house and use him as a ……., do I have to tell you everything? if you don’t know what I mean then you shouldn’t be doing this.

Once you have Marty under custody, now go terrorize his “best friend” for even considering wanting Marty, the law will be on your side, there are many brilliant lawyers out there who would jump at the chance to defend your case in hell. Their contract number is ******** (Mr Piggy: I had to take this number out, as lawyers tend to be funny with their phone numbers),

go ahead and try it, Hahaha.




Neither the writer of this message nor hipbroken can be held liable for your actions after you have read this. Be stupid as much as you want but don't come crying for daddy if something goes wrong. Oh, wait a minute, then again you won't be able to come crying for daddy coz' you'll be in jail, picking up soap bars... right?

Music: Porcupine Tree – Fear of a blank planet by Mr. Piggy

Like a piece of nice barbecue marinated with beer, this little album (6 tracks) only started to come through my head and intestines after a couple of minutes. More specifically half way through the track “anesthetize”.

While doing the perfect music for the air guitar or air drum enthusiast, Porcupine Tree created a little concept album that really sticks to your ears. It’s progressive rock like you’ve heard before, only still fresh…And I have to single out the tracks “way out of here” and “sentimental” for making me want to go around the block naked while touching myself… Let’s just say that it’s great shit. Already done shit, but great shit none the less.

RIAA this album if you like: AFI, Pearl Jam, Death Cab for Cutie, Pink Floyd, and any good Indie.

8/10 keep listening and it will feel like you’re floating over mountains.

Music: Queensryche – Empire by Miss Wank

As I was listening to this great album, I couldn’t help feeling like I was listening to early Marillion singing Dream Theater songs... Ok so most of you will not have a clue of what I’m talking about, but picture “good Eminem” singing “good Tupac” and you’ll be very close.
Queensryche is part of a generation of metal rockers that is nearly extinct (Dream Theater being one of the few exceptions).

Empire was released in 1990 and it kinda shows.
This is not baby music, no no, these guys were part of the generation that invented metal. Long before Britney Spear’s iBelly, the iPhone or iNike’s iShoes.

The album is really great though, specially “Silent Lucidity” which basically had Dream Theater’s “Repentance” and parts of Marillion’s “Misplaced Childhood” album, written all over it (I know I keep mentioning these bands, but just keep up with me here ok?).

Metal sounded different at the time. It was considered aggressive by those time’s standards, although today bands like System of a Down would just crush their definition of metal to mashed potatoes.
What I most liked about the album though, apart from the overall cleanness of guitars and sound, were the lyrics (remember lyrics? try to listen to 99% of MTV stuff and your brain will explode…)

I do wonder though, with so much great music being released today, why the hell do I only go for the old guys? Hmm…mid life crisis alarm…

Get this album, if you like…well, guess who…

7/10 coz’ it’s “hard to chose whisky, or a wife” (Della Brown)

SM: Normalizing the normal guy

Every once in a while our Sex and Masturbation, I mean, Relationships experts will answer our reader's emails. Please bear with us while we try to fix you.

This week, with Mr. Normal Guy.

"hello,

I'm a railroad tycon and I'm 84.

I've been dating this beautiful 23 years hot model girl for two years now, but we haven't had sex yet because she says she isn't ready, and I totally respect that.
I love her so much that when she had financial diffulties after her dance parlour went bakrupt, I invited her to live in one of my thirteen apartments and am financing her pricy new project, which she doesn't want to tell me what it is because it's a (big) suprise.

Since she was too lonely (I travel a lot), her best friend, John, spends more time with her with my consent. He takes her everywere, and is also her private massagist and tennis instructor. He's a really cool guy that takes care of my love for me. I'm even thinking about offering him another car to thank him, again. Somehow the others I gave him are not enough, he's really into cars, what can I say...

The whole not having sex thing is more or less ok with me. And she seems to cope really well, specially when I'm away for a long time.
But a couple of days ago our butler told me that she and John are...you know...doing the whole oodly doodly thing! I was shocked! I fired my butler immediatly for even thinking that this could be possible, but I think it's not enough, maybe I should hire someone to "make him disappear" and leave us 3 alone...

what do you think I should do?"


Dear Mr. Railroad Tycoon who’s 84.

It’s well known that age gives you wisdom as a result of all life experiences. But ooh not you.

Where da’hell did you grow up?! You little piece of old sun dried human shit! I got a better idea: Give me the money! I could take care of a hot model, You freak!!

Mr. very upset Normal Guy




Neither the writer of this message nor hipbroken can be held liable for your actions after you have read this. Be stupid as much as you want but don't come crying for daddy if something goes wrong. Oh, wait a minute, then again you won't be able to come crying for daddy coz' you won't have any money left, now will you...

Movie: Eragon by Mr.Piggy

Hero n.1: Eragon, duh
Hero n.2: saphira the dragon
Babe: Arya, not to be mistaken with the other Aria (although I wish)
Hero’s teacher: that dude with a beard that used to make great movies
Bad guy n.1: Shade, the chocolate loving, colgate hating sorcerer
Bad guy n.2: John Malkovich… why John??!! Why!!??

Sinusitis or synopsis, whatever you prefer:
It seems that if you hold on to a blue egg the size of a rubgy ball, you’ll get a dragon with a sexy voice and save the world.

Speaking about the dragon, when I was growing up, back in 1940 something, dragons were these mystical beasts that destroyed everything wherever they went. Somehow, somewhere along the line, somebody understood that they were actually misunderstood animals that just needed some love and affection.

I mean all of the sudden, dragons lost their dangerous charm and became fun loving creatures who just wanted to use lipstick and make out with donkeys…
I blame it all on the invention of psychotherapy and Shrek!

The dragon in this movie is not far from that, believe me. It, or she, even does that “wuhaa” thing American soldiers do, after her “rider” (pun not intended!) does a speech. Damn, I loves ze Americans, they make the best pre battle speeches ever. I wonder what they do before sex…

Anyway. As I was watching this movie, I came up with an invention: a special seat inside the movie theater, that you could just lift up and “VOILA!” a toilet seat would appear. It would make things a whole lot easier as far as waiting for the horrible movie (your date chose) to end.
Think about it, time goes faster when you’re sitting on a toilet seat…huh?right?right?

I think this invention would revolutionize Hollywood, I mean, I even thought about what to do with the smell: once you were done, a piece of metal heated at 180 degrees Celsius would come in contact with rose petal water and release a nice and appeasing fragrance….Amazing isn’t it…? I know… Well I give all credit to Eragon, the dragon “rider”, this movie has truly inspired me, even though I slept during most of it.

Lics: 4/10, I’d give more if I hadn’t fallen asleep

Music: Havana - Life by Mr.Guy

Wow.

A breath of fresh air. Havana is like Erykah Badu on steroids (Mr Piggy: You know, Erykah Badu IS on steroids already).

Very similar voice, better looking (not hard to beat Erykah there), better production line. Got productions by Nicolay and Simbolyc One (two of my favourite producers).
Life is her debut album. Neo-soul at its best. Reminds me of Jill Scott when she first came out. Check it out.

8/10 lics

Mr. Guy

Movie: 300 by Dr. Linda

Well I don’t often say this but damn watching 300 half naked men was quite well how to say this without sounding gay….. reverting. (Mr. Piggy: erm, but you are gay...)

Yes this movie by far is the best I’ve seen since Sin City.

The same dudes who created Sin City are the same guys who were involved in this master piece.
Let me give you one word that can encapsulate this great art piece ….. Eish!

Lics Gained
The story takes place in Greece but the cool thing is that its all in English (1st lic)

There are some really hot chics in this flick and guess what… we get to see their breasts. (2nd lic)

The movie doesn’t have a complicated storyline, not many things you have to
remember in order to put the ending together. (3rd lic plus bonus ½ )

The fight scenes were slowed down so every lil bit of detailed thrusts of spear could seen entering and exiting the would be victims (nice one!) (4th lic)

Not to give too much away but every1 dies, I guess that’s where the Greek tragedy saying comes from. (5th lic for education)


lics Lost
Ok this is not nice but I have to say it, I didn’t like seeing the black Persian dudes dying in the first fighting scene at least save that stuff for later like when the actual movie starts, man that was cold made thing of Apartheid and shit. (-1 lic)

The guys names were rather long and hard to remember, like the king shit what was his name Spartacus?, next time please give the main character a easy name to remember like Steve or Mike. (-1 lic)

Other than that it was a really stupendous movie (4 ½ lics)

Movie: The bourne ultimatum by Dr. Linda

Fine it’s the 3rd installment are we ready for another episode of the great Hollywood franchise business well I say hell yeah!
I almost was thrown out of the cinema cause I was screaming yoh yoh eish yoh a lot .
I couldn’t contain myself, the guys who wrapped up this offering knew what the hell they were doing.
It was spicy ,tangy and hot, just like my vegetables.
This series is based on some book, like James Bond.

Well all I can say Matt Damon you rock!
This guy has basically owned the fictional character called Jason Bourne.
The flying kicks and the bullets, music, car chases were really excellent.
4.0 Die hard suck a duck please whilst Bourne Ultimatum takes a bow!

Lics Gained
The actor (not too sound gay ) Matt was hot and portrayed the character in a believable manner, makes you think you can do that shit! (1 lic)

The fact the movie was shot in like 5 different countries was cool, I got to like expand my horizons. (1 lic education )

I loved the fact that they kept his name short and dangerous sounding (1 lic)

Again the storyline was interesting, I like the fact that they actually gave Jason Bourne an objective, I hate those kinds of movies without a clear cut purpose. (1 lic ,for not waste my time and money)

No black guy was killed in the opening scene (just white ppl 1lic)

Lost lics
They didn’t give Matt a chic to bone.
The chic from that movie Last dance was pale and really fat!,that last movie must have stocked her fridge well, damn girl, if you would of lost some weight maybe Matt would of at least given you a shag or 2 (side kick chic was not hot -1 lic)

There is a scene in the movie when Matt is able to gain access to the CIA headquarters and get some secret documents, well I would of liked to of seen how he got in and more importantly how’d he get out? (-1 lic for trying to pull the wool over my eyes tisk tisk)

all in all this move really is smoking, the guys involved in the production all deserve a box office hit.
Hope you guys remember me on pay day!
(4 lics )

Movies: Dynamite Warrior by Mr. Piggy

No, I refuse to waste my time going into detail about this movie. I'm not paid enough so you just gonna have to do with my notes:

Dynamite warrior is a Thai movie, it does not taste like Thai food.
It's set in 1910. Guess where...

Hero: jone bang fai, of the muay thai gym closest to you
Bad guy n#1: Lord waeng, of the cult of the cut lip
Bad guy n#2: the black lord, of the I-didn't-listen-to-that-always-wear-sunscreen-song cult
Bad guy n#3: what's his name, of the I-only-fight-when-I'm-hungry cult
Mentor: Sing, the super cattle herder with magical powers
The love interest: she's frikkin under-age guys!!! CMON!!!
Mix all that, add a few cows, and you get an action/comedy movie. With dynamite rockets.

What I learned on this movie:

• In Thailand everybody fights muay thay.
  
• The first guided missiles were invented there.
• All thai peasants have tatoos.
  
• You can exorcise a thai man with kicks on his groin.
• Heroes in Thai movies talk openly about important stuff, like menstruation.
• If you get really hungry, you too can fight like a kung fu master.

4/10 lics, and only because, although under-age, the love interest was pretty. And also because, although completely nuts, this movie does manage to capture a few laughs.

SM: Aunt Agony Agonizes

Every once in a while our Sex and Masturbation, I mean, Relationships experts will answer our reader's emails. Please bear with us while we try to fix you.

"Hi guys,

I'm so desperate, my girlfriend since high school broke up with me because I did not wash my feet everyday. She said I stink which makes no sense because my feet have always smelt the same. I even won a championship once for smelling feet.
I thought she had fallen in love with me because of that, but she says it was because of my nose, which is funny shaped..But I don't believe her..I know it's because of my feet...

What should I do?"


Dear Psycho,

Of course, she only liked you for your broken nose; From this distance I can even smell your feet.
When you won that competition, what they were trying to tell you was that your feet smelt like an improperly buried, graveyard with 1000 rotting corpses. What I recommend that you do, is to ask a friend to get an axe and cut off your feet.
Don’t worry, I’ve recommended this operation to many people before and all my clients have always come back with satisfactory results. In fact, some were so happy they threw themselves over a cliff because they couldn’t contain their joy.
Don’t worry about pain. If just before your friend cuts off your feet, you start thinking of cats there will be no pain, trust me, this works.

Now I know I’m being extra sweet and sensitive, but I’m not known to be mean and insensitive. So everything I’ve said to you, multiply by 100 to get the real impact of my message.

By the way, the cost of this valued advise is R50 000, 00 excl. VAT. (Mr. Piggy: which for our international readers equals to 6,896.88 USD, axe excluded).

Credit cards are welcome, as are vouchers for restaurants, tickets for concerts (any major band is ok), free car washes, new clothes, a free trip to Dubai, a ferrari testarossa (new), or anything with a real diamond on it.

Aunt Agony


Neither the writer of this message nor hipbroken can be held liable for your actions after you have read this message. Be stupid as much as you want but don't come crying for daddy if something goes wrong. Oh, wait a minute, then again you won't be able to come crying for daddy coz' you won't have any feet to walk, now will you...

Movie: The world's fastest Indian by Ms. Wank

Every so often a little movie comes by that makes my day. The world's fastest Indian is definetly one of these movie. Heck, it made me so happy that I even forgot to put my "massage assistant" on at night.

It follows the story of Burt (Anthony Hopkins), who's an old reformed guy that has this obsession with breaking the speed record on his 1920's bike, a modified Indian.

So he travels from New Zealand all the way to Bonneville, USA, in order to make his dreams come through. During that trip he meets all sorts of colourful characters: a transexual that helps him find his way when he arrives, a Native American that gives him dog's testicles for his prostate problems, a lonely blonde old lady that beds him in exchange for breakfast, an air force pilot that is on leave from Vietnam (this story takes place during the 60's) and whose mission in 'Nam is to drop agent orange on it's forests, etc etc... From time to time he does something very similar to a madiba jive and has heart attacks for fun.

So essentially this is a road movie with some heart into it, although it follows the same old formula of finding the importance of your dreams while breaking the world speed record on two wheels.

6/10 lics coz Anthony Hopkins is the world's oldest player...

Reflections by Dr. Linda

And now, a moment of wisdom with Dr. Linda

Greetings everyone, let's hold hands and meditate. I'll hold hands with Miss Wank's little sister, while she meditates on me.

Reflections:

If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.
.
I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.
.
Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?
.
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
.
Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
.
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
.
Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.
.
One should love animals.
They are so tasty.
.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
.
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.
.
The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.
.
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
.
Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.
.
"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep
.
There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning
.
"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk
.
"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours
.
God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
.
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.
.
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station...
what more can I say...


Now breathe deeply, inhale, exhale, oooohhmmmmm.

Thank you miss Wank, for bringing your sister today, her meditations are very very vey good, I can hardly stand.
Don't forget to take your medicine, it's good for you.


This article was proudly sponsored by pfizer, our number one hard-on inducer!

Movies: The curse of the golden flower by Mr. Piggy

Ladies and gentlemen, IIIIIITTTT's QUIZZ TIME!!!!!!

Question: what do you need in order to create a classic chinese movie?

Answer: lot's of chinese looking guys, some beautiful chinese women, lot's of colorful sets, an emperor, some drama, and basically that's it
Oh, and let's not forget that everybody has to know some kick ass kung fu moves, otherwise it won't be a chinese classic!
What? the story? oh don't worry about that, it doesn't have to make any sense whatsoever.

You see only three kinds of people go to see this kind of movies: guys who like kung fu movies, guys who like chinese girls doing kung fu moves (matrix like and all), and guys who like to brag that they've seen foreign art flicks when in fact all they where looking for were
...you guessed, kung fu. Foreign art kung fu that is...

The curse of the golden flower is...well...I don't really know how to even describe this movie...all I can say is that halfway

through it I started thinking about washing my feet, going to monte carlo, eating marshmellows and stuff like that.
Coz really, what was the whole thing about?

The story follows the emperor's family and the drama is set around the medicine that the empress has to take because the emperor has ordered it.
The thing is that the damn medicine is poisoned, and the empress knows it but can't do anything about it, coz, you know, the emperor is a bad mother fucker.

Oh but wait, that's interesting, there's ANOTHER mother fucker in the movie, the emperor's first son, and he's litterally fucking his mom (oh my god...)

But then, just when you thought you'd seen it all, the mother fucker (the son) is also fucking his sister (take that oedipus), only he doesn't know she's his sister because the other mother fucker (the father) never told him who his real mother was...

Try to keep up....

Then, all of the sudden, the mother of the sister's mother fucker appears and all hell (I mean palace) breaks loose: the little brother of the sister's mother fucker kills him, then the fake mom of the mother fucker stops fucking the other mother fucker and plots a coup d'etat against him (all that in chinese of course), which is then put into action by the mother fucker's other brother, but for some reason ninjas fly out of mountains and prevent it from happening. Then if you add the musical at the end (in chinese) and the death by golden belt wip the mother fucker (the father) gives to the younger mother fucker's brother, you'll get one hell of a WATHAFUCKISTHISSHIT!!!

wew....

On the good side the ladies in this movie wear some tight corsets... And I mean those things are TIGHT...

2/10 lics for the movie, coz somehow they managed to get some kung fu in it.
7/10 for the tight tight corsets



(Miss Wank: Mr. Piggy, I must add, just checked into BWA (bad words anonymous), and he's really inproving his manners I must say. We're all very proud of him, I apologize for all the swearing though, it's temporary!:) )

SM: Aunt Agony Agonizes (AAA)

Every once in a while our Sex and Masturbation, I mean, Relationships experts will answer our reader's emails. Please bear with us while we try to fix you.


"Hi guys, I'm a 13 year old and I'm in love with my best friend's mom... but I'm afraid my friend might be angry at me and beat me up,even though she seems to be responding to my winks, she even said I was cute the other day...what should I do?"
13 year old boy.


Hi
Dear 13 year old boy, your friend might beat you up, but if he sees that you carry on with his mum and that you make her happy, then he will know that you truly love her, and if he carries on beating you up, then he is just testing to see if you love her. If your friend manages to kill you in one of these beatings, its because you don't like his mum that much and just preferred to die, and escape the tests he has been putting you through. In that case you won't really love her.
Aunt Agony

movies: the pathfinder by Mr.Piggy

ok, two words: Moon Youngblood...
She is the only reason why one would sit nearly 2 hours through this..thing...
I think the director needs a pathfinder...or he needs to give a pathfinder to the audience coz I got lost.
Let me just say something I think is important, the only cool white guy among indians I know is Lucky Luke AND THAT'S IT!!!
I mean I'm no native American, but I did play Indian when I was a kid (mainly coz only the cool guys with nice toy guns played cowboy) and that's enough for me to be pissed off by the Norwegian white guy that came to save us all...fuck that shit!
I mean if he was a black dude that would have been cool, coz, you know, black dudes are cool, even in tights, like Mr.T (god bless him). Or if he was an Arab or something that would have given it a nice twist, coz then the Vikings could always say that they were looking for weapons of mass destruction or something...

but going back to Moon Youngblood...GODDAMM!!

0/10 lics for the movie, been there done that Mr. King Arthur/Conan
10/10 licssssss for Moon Youngblood

(Miss Wank: man, you got some issues....)

People: (The) Bush by Miss Wank

oh man, I love this guy. If ever there was a president that made me laugh, this would be the guy! I'm sure that he goes to bed everyday and think, "man, I'm having a blast!"

Actually I predict that after he leaves the white house, he'll be the president with the most movies and spoofs ever!!

let's just take a look at what makes him great:

Personality: He's just funny man, I love him! I mean "bring it on!", cmon didn't that crack you up?

Politics: "weapons of mass destruction" anyone? He's a frikking genius, nobody else could have thought about that one. No, really, not even Mugabe. I double triple dare you to find someone with as much imagination as this guy!

Sex appeal: ok, so let's just skip this one ok!

rating: 10/10 lics coz he's a funny guy and coz he's the president of the world!

Music: Air * Pocket symphony by mr. Piggy

I've been an air fan since I heard the suicide virgins sound track.
Pocket symphony only reinforced that, specially left bank which must be one of their best songs since 98's all I need. The cool thing about bands like this is that they make timeless music that is not conditioned to trends (debatable), think kraftwerk body of work (70s til now) and underworld's second toughest in the infants (1996...).

9/10 I'd give it a 10 if I was a band member or sofia coppola's
boyfriend hehehehe.

Music: Remy Shand * the way I feel by Mr. Piggy

Ok so it might be a bit strange to review this guy next, but before anybody kills me with a hammer, i've got to say this: I thought this mf was a black man from the 70s...

I even made big speech on how soul music was so different and clean before all these neo soul kids came to maxwelize and erykahduize everything... Then somebody told me that he's actually a young WHITE guy from canada...shit...that was..a suprise...well, he does sound good,
and hum well, yeah, so erm...

7/10?

Music: Dream Theater * Systematic Chaos by Mr. Piggy

Metal like it's not done any more. These old schoolers are powerful. I must've heard Dark eternal night a couple 234983 times, and still can't believe the sound these guys are capable of producing. Really neat stuff. It's almost as good as a magnum chocolate ice cream.

8/10 and growing

Music: The all american rejects * Move along by Mr. Piggy

It's popish but it's great :)

I saw their video clip for move along and ended up actually liking the song, then the album. It's difficult to set urself appart from the other bands when they all sound like "mtv formula shit", but there's something about this album, specially in "It ends tonight", which makes a great stadium song.

7/10 good stuff...

Music: Death Cab for cutie * transatlancism by Mr. Piggy

Passenger Seat keeps making my day everyday for the last 2 or so weeks, it's more reliable than caffeine and nicer than a trip to the bathroom. It's a great song in a great album...

9 / 10 just coz' I can

Movies: The Aviator by Lil I

I love this movie, main reason Leonardo Dicaprio!

No no, this ain’t a gay thing just that I think that this boy can act.

Especially in this movie.

I love the whole idea of being able to live out your dreams, the really cool thing is that this flick was based on a true story.

Leo brought this character to life for me, also the cinematography and scene selection.(Brilliant)

Love how the director put these filters on each shot, brought the colours right out made the movie feel rich and smooth.

But the most outstanding thing is Leo he really finished this movie for me.

5/5 lics its going on my fav list.

(Mr.Piggy: so basically what ur saying is that ur gay...)

Series: Heroes first season by Lil I

A friend of mine came to my house to swap some movies, he told me that if I watch the 1^st three episodes I won’t want to stop watching, damn was he right!

It’s basically like X-men but the major difference is that they made it into a series.

I love the characters and the whole powers thing kicks ass.

Even amongst all the action, there is still enough intelligent dialogues and really thought provoking concepts.

I don’t really like the professor being the narrator, most of the time he talks crap and his monologues are full of clichés, they should loss that bit and get on with it!

All and all great concept and storyline excellently told.

4/5 lics (watching this space for season 2)

(Miss Wank: yes mr. hiro!)

movies: an inconvinient truth by Dr. Linda

This a “lecture” documentary, it is presented by former Vice President of America Al Gore.

It was a real big eye opener for me.

There hasn’t been an environmental film that explained the decaying of our planet in such a simplified manner.

And I love how it was short and straight to the point.

It’s a movie that all schools should be in their curriculum, sort of makes you wanna stand and fight for something.

4/5 lics have a copy if you want ;)

(Miss Wank: now now Dr. Linda, are you promoting piracy???)

Movies: 4th Die Hard 2.0 by Dr Linda

Well I was surprised to hear that they had made another instalment of the film.

I was worried that Hollywood would go over the top with action scenes and have zero dialogue.

Will they came close in meeting my expectations.

The concept was ok, but the number one thing that I felt they really messed up was Bruce Willis’s side kick.

The last movie which I watched over 10times made me laugh and sit on the edge of my seat.

This one had enough action, maybe a tad over the absurd, I’m referring to that scene with the fighter plane and truck. (don’t want to talk about)

The last Die hard Samuel Jackson who brought so much humour to the flick, the chemistry between him and Willis was the shit, I couldn’t stop laughing eish man!

This one just didn’t have any residual of the last movie, maybe Willis in a dirty white vest and blood on his face that’s all.

1 lic with mouth wash dude.

(Miss Wank: Dr Linda has spoken!)