SM: Aunt Agony Agonizes

Every once in a while our Sex and Masturbation, I mean, Relationships experts will answer our reader's emails. Please bear with us while we try to fix you.

"Hi guys,

I'm so desperate, my girlfriend since high school broke up with me because I did not wash my feet everyday. She said I stink which makes no sense because my feet have always smelt the same. I even won a championship once for smelling feet.
I thought she had fallen in love with me because of that, but she says it was because of my nose, which is funny shaped..But I don't believe her..I know it's because of my feet...

What should I do?"


Dear Psycho,

Of course, she only liked you for your broken nose; From this distance I can even smell your feet.
When you won that competition, what they were trying to tell you was that your feet smelt like an improperly buried, graveyard with 1000 rotting corpses. What I recommend that you do, is to ask a friend to get an axe and cut off your feet.
Don’t worry, I’ve recommended this operation to many people before and all my clients have always come back with satisfactory results. In fact, some were so happy they threw themselves over a cliff because they couldn’t contain their joy.
Don’t worry about pain. If just before your friend cuts off your feet, you start thinking of cats there will be no pain, trust me, this works.

Now I know I’m being extra sweet and sensitive, but I’m not known to be mean and insensitive. So everything I’ve said to you, multiply by 100 to get the real impact of my message.

By the way, the cost of this valued advise is R50 000, 00 excl. VAT. (Mr. Piggy: which for our international readers equals to 6,896.88 USD, axe excluded).

Credit cards are welcome, as are vouchers for restaurants, tickets for concerts (any major band is ok), free car washes, new clothes, a free trip to Dubai, a ferrari testarossa (new), or anything with a real diamond on it.

Aunt Agony


Neither the writer of this message nor hipbroken can be held liable for your actions after you have read this message. Be stupid as much as you want but don't come crying for daddy if something goes wrong. Oh, wait a minute, then again you won't be able to come crying for daddy coz' you won't have any feet to walk, now will you...