Movies: Dynamite Warrior by Mr. Piggy

No, I refuse to waste my time going into detail about this movie. I'm not paid enough so you just gonna have to do with my notes:

Dynamite warrior is a Thai movie, it does not taste like Thai food.
It's set in 1910. Guess where...

Hero: jone bang fai, of the muay thai gym closest to you
Bad guy n#1: Lord waeng, of the cult of the cut lip
Bad guy n#2: the black lord, of the I-didn't-listen-to-that-always-wear-sunscreen-song cult
Bad guy n#3: what's his name, of the I-only-fight-when-I'm-hungry cult
Mentor: Sing, the super cattle herder with magical powers
The love interest: she's frikkin under-age guys!!! CMON!!!
Mix all that, add a few cows, and you get an action/comedy movie. With dynamite rockets.

What I learned on this movie:

• In Thailand everybody fights muay thay.
  
• The first guided missiles were invented there.
• All thai peasants have tatoos.
  
• You can exorcise a thai man with kicks on his groin.
• Heroes in Thai movies talk openly about important stuff, like menstruation.
• If you get really hungry, you too can fight like a kung fu master.

4/10 lics, and only because, although under-age, the love interest was pretty. And also because, although completely nuts, this movie does manage to capture a few laughs.

SM: Aunt Agony Agonizes

Every once in a while our Sex and Masturbation, I mean, Relationships experts will answer our reader's emails. Please bear with us while we try to fix you.

"Hi guys,

I'm so desperate, my girlfriend since high school broke up with me because I did not wash my feet everyday. She said I stink which makes no sense because my feet have always smelt the same. I even won a championship once for smelling feet.
I thought she had fallen in love with me because of that, but she says it was because of my nose, which is funny shaped..But I don't believe her..I know it's because of my feet...

What should I do?"


Dear Psycho,

Of course, she only liked you for your broken nose; From this distance I can even smell your feet.
When you won that competition, what they were trying to tell you was that your feet smelt like an improperly buried, graveyard with 1000 rotting corpses. What I recommend that you do, is to ask a friend to get an axe and cut off your feet.
Don’t worry, I’ve recommended this operation to many people before and all my clients have always come back with satisfactory results. In fact, some were so happy they threw themselves over a cliff because they couldn’t contain their joy.
Don’t worry about pain. If just before your friend cuts off your feet, you start thinking of cats there will be no pain, trust me, this works.

Now I know I’m being extra sweet and sensitive, but I’m not known to be mean and insensitive. So everything I’ve said to you, multiply by 100 to get the real impact of my message.

By the way, the cost of this valued advise is R50 000, 00 excl. VAT. (Mr. Piggy: which for our international readers equals to 6,896.88 USD, axe excluded).

Credit cards are welcome, as are vouchers for restaurants, tickets for concerts (any major band is ok), free car washes, new clothes, a free trip to Dubai, a ferrari testarossa (new), or anything with a real diamond on it.

Aunt Agony


Neither the writer of this message nor hipbroken can be held liable for your actions after you have read this message. Be stupid as much as you want but don't come crying for daddy if something goes wrong. Oh, wait a minute, then again you won't be able to come crying for daddy coz' you won't have any feet to walk, now will you...

Movie: The world's fastest Indian by Ms. Wank

Every so often a little movie comes by that makes my day. The world's fastest Indian is definetly one of these movie. Heck, it made me so happy that I even forgot to put my "massage assistant" on at night.

It follows the story of Burt (Anthony Hopkins), who's an old reformed guy that has this obsession with breaking the speed record on his 1920's bike, a modified Indian.

So he travels from New Zealand all the way to Bonneville, USA, in order to make his dreams come through. During that trip he meets all sorts of colourful characters: a transexual that helps him find his way when he arrives, a Native American that gives him dog's testicles for his prostate problems, a lonely blonde old lady that beds him in exchange for breakfast, an air force pilot that is on leave from Vietnam (this story takes place during the 60's) and whose mission in 'Nam is to drop agent orange on it's forests, etc etc... From time to time he does something very similar to a madiba jive and has heart attacks for fun.

So essentially this is a road movie with some heart into it, although it follows the same old formula of finding the importance of your dreams while breaking the world speed record on two wheels.

6/10 lics coz Anthony Hopkins is the world's oldest player...

Reflections by Dr. Linda

And now, a moment of wisdom with Dr. Linda

Greetings everyone, let's hold hands and meditate. I'll hold hands with Miss Wank's little sister, while she meditates on me.

Reflections:

If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.
.
I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.
.
Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?
.
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
.
Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
.
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
.
Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.
.
One should love animals.
They are so tasty.
.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
.
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.
.
The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.
.
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
.
Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.
.
"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep
.
There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning
.
"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk
.
"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours
.
God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
.
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.
.
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station...
what more can I say...


Now breathe deeply, inhale, exhale, oooohhmmmmm.

Thank you miss Wank, for bringing your sister today, her meditations are very very vey good, I can hardly stand.
Don't forget to take your medicine, it's good for you.


This article was proudly sponsored by pfizer, our number one hard-on inducer!

Movies: The curse of the golden flower by Mr. Piggy

Ladies and gentlemen, IIIIIITTTT's QUIZZ TIME!!!!!!

Question: what do you need in order to create a classic chinese movie?

Answer: lot's of chinese looking guys, some beautiful chinese women, lot's of colorful sets, an emperor, some drama, and basically that's it
Oh, and let's not forget that everybody has to know some kick ass kung fu moves, otherwise it won't be a chinese classic!
What? the story? oh don't worry about that, it doesn't have to make any sense whatsoever.

You see only three kinds of people go to see this kind of movies: guys who like kung fu movies, guys who like chinese girls doing kung fu moves (matrix like and all), and guys who like to brag that they've seen foreign art flicks when in fact all they where looking for were
...you guessed, kung fu. Foreign art kung fu that is...

The curse of the golden flower is...well...I don't really know how to even describe this movie...all I can say is that halfway

through it I started thinking about washing my feet, going to monte carlo, eating marshmellows and stuff like that.
Coz really, what was the whole thing about?

The story follows the emperor's family and the drama is set around the medicine that the empress has to take because the emperor has ordered it.
The thing is that the damn medicine is poisoned, and the empress knows it but can't do anything about it, coz, you know, the emperor is a bad mother fucker.

Oh but wait, that's interesting, there's ANOTHER mother fucker in the movie, the emperor's first son, and he's litterally fucking his mom (oh my god...)

But then, just when you thought you'd seen it all, the mother fucker (the son) is also fucking his sister (take that oedipus), only he doesn't know she's his sister because the other mother fucker (the father) never told him who his real mother was...

Try to keep up....

Then, all of the sudden, the mother of the sister's mother fucker appears and all hell (I mean palace) breaks loose: the little brother of the sister's mother fucker kills him, then the fake mom of the mother fucker stops fucking the other mother fucker and plots a coup d'etat against him (all that in chinese of course), which is then put into action by the mother fucker's other brother, but for some reason ninjas fly out of mountains and prevent it from happening. Then if you add the musical at the end (in chinese) and the death by golden belt wip the mother fucker (the father) gives to the younger mother fucker's brother, you'll get one hell of a WATHAFUCKISTHISSHIT!!!

wew....

On the good side the ladies in this movie wear some tight corsets... And I mean those things are TIGHT...

2/10 lics for the movie, coz somehow they managed to get some kung fu in it.
7/10 for the tight tight corsets



(Miss Wank: Mr. Piggy, I must add, just checked into BWA (bad words anonymous), and he's really inproving his manners I must say. We're all very proud of him, I apologize for all the swearing though, it's temporary!:) )

SM: Aunt Agony Agonizes (AAA)

Every once in a while our Sex and Masturbation, I mean, Relationships experts will answer our reader's emails. Please bear with us while we try to fix you.


"Hi guys, I'm a 13 year old and I'm in love with my best friend's mom... but I'm afraid my friend might be angry at me and beat me up,even though she seems to be responding to my winks, she even said I was cute the other day...what should I do?"
13 year old boy.


Hi
Dear 13 year old boy, your friend might beat you up, but if he sees that you carry on with his mum and that you make her happy, then he will know that you truly love her, and if he carries on beating you up, then he is just testing to see if you love her. If your friend manages to kill you in one of these beatings, its because you don't like his mum that much and just preferred to die, and escape the tests he has been putting you through. In that case you won't really love her.
Aunt Agony

movies: the pathfinder by Mr.Piggy

ok, two words: Moon Youngblood...
She is the only reason why one would sit nearly 2 hours through this..thing...
I think the director needs a pathfinder...or he needs to give a pathfinder to the audience coz I got lost.
Let me just say something I think is important, the only cool white guy among indians I know is Lucky Luke AND THAT'S IT!!!
I mean I'm no native American, but I did play Indian when I was a kid (mainly coz only the cool guys with nice toy guns played cowboy) and that's enough for me to be pissed off by the Norwegian white guy that came to save us all...fuck that shit!
I mean if he was a black dude that would have been cool, coz, you know, black dudes are cool, even in tights, like Mr.T (god bless him). Or if he was an Arab or something that would have given it a nice twist, coz then the Vikings could always say that they were looking for weapons of mass destruction or something...

but going back to Moon Youngblood...GODDAMM!!

0/10 lics for the movie, been there done that Mr. King Arthur/Conan
10/10 licssssss for Moon Youngblood

(Miss Wank: man, you got some issues....)

People: (The) Bush by Miss Wank

oh man, I love this guy. If ever there was a president that made me laugh, this would be the guy! I'm sure that he goes to bed everyday and think, "man, I'm having a blast!"

Actually I predict that after he leaves the white house, he'll be the president with the most movies and spoofs ever!!

let's just take a look at what makes him great:

Personality: He's just funny man, I love him! I mean "bring it on!", cmon didn't that crack you up?

Politics: "weapons of mass destruction" anyone? He's a frikking genius, nobody else could have thought about that one. No, really, not even Mugabe. I double triple dare you to find someone with as much imagination as this guy!

Sex appeal: ok, so let's just skip this one ok!

rating: 10/10 lics coz he's a funny guy and coz he's the president of the world!

Music: Air * Pocket symphony by mr. Piggy

I've been an air fan since I heard the suicide virgins sound track.
Pocket symphony only reinforced that, specially left bank which must be one of their best songs since 98's all I need. The cool thing about bands like this is that they make timeless music that is not conditioned to trends (debatable), think kraftwerk body of work (70s til now) and underworld's second toughest in the infants (1996...).

9/10 I'd give it a 10 if I was a band member or sofia coppola's
boyfriend hehehehe.

Music: Remy Shand * the way I feel by Mr. Piggy

Ok so it might be a bit strange to review this guy next, but before anybody kills me with a hammer, i've got to say this: I thought this mf was a black man from the 70s...

I even made big speech on how soul music was so different and clean before all these neo soul kids came to maxwelize and erykahduize everything... Then somebody told me that he's actually a young WHITE guy from canada...shit...that was..a suprise...well, he does sound good,
and hum well, yeah, so erm...

7/10?

Music: Dream Theater * Systematic Chaos by Mr. Piggy

Metal like it's not done any more. These old schoolers are powerful. I must've heard Dark eternal night a couple 234983 times, and still can't believe the sound these guys are capable of producing. Really neat stuff. It's almost as good as a magnum chocolate ice cream.

8/10 and growing

Music: The all american rejects * Move along by Mr. Piggy

It's popish but it's great :)

I saw their video clip for move along and ended up actually liking the song, then the album. It's difficult to set urself appart from the other bands when they all sound like "mtv formula shit", but there's something about this album, specially in "It ends tonight", which makes a great stadium song.

7/10 good stuff...

Music: Death Cab for cutie * transatlancism by Mr. Piggy

Passenger Seat keeps making my day everyday for the last 2 or so weeks, it's more reliable than caffeine and nicer than a trip to the bathroom. It's a great song in a great album...

9 / 10 just coz' I can

Movies: The Aviator by Lil I

I love this movie, main reason Leonardo Dicaprio!

No no, this ain’t a gay thing just that I think that this boy can act.

Especially in this movie.

I love the whole idea of being able to live out your dreams, the really cool thing is that this flick was based on a true story.

Leo brought this character to life for me, also the cinematography and scene selection.(Brilliant)

Love how the director put these filters on each shot, brought the colours right out made the movie feel rich and smooth.

But the most outstanding thing is Leo he really finished this movie for me.

5/5 lics its going on my fav list.

(Mr.Piggy: so basically what ur saying is that ur gay...)

Series: Heroes first season by Lil I

A friend of mine came to my house to swap some movies, he told me that if I watch the 1^st three episodes I won’t want to stop watching, damn was he right!

It’s basically like X-men but the major difference is that they made it into a series.

I love the characters and the whole powers thing kicks ass.

Even amongst all the action, there is still enough intelligent dialogues and really thought provoking concepts.

I don’t really like the professor being the narrator, most of the time he talks crap and his monologues are full of clichés, they should loss that bit and get on with it!

All and all great concept and storyline excellently told.

4/5 lics (watching this space for season 2)

(Miss Wank: yes mr. hiro!)

movies: an inconvinient truth by Dr. Linda

This a “lecture” documentary, it is presented by former Vice President of America Al Gore.

It was a real big eye opener for me.

There hasn’t been an environmental film that explained the decaying of our planet in such a simplified manner.

And I love how it was short and straight to the point.

It’s a movie that all schools should be in their curriculum, sort of makes you wanna stand and fight for something.

4/5 lics have a copy if you want ;)

(Miss Wank: now now Dr. Linda, are you promoting piracy???)

Movies: 4th Die Hard 2.0 by Dr Linda

Well I was surprised to hear that they had made another instalment of the film.

I was worried that Hollywood would go over the top with action scenes and have zero dialogue.

Will they came close in meeting my expectations.

The concept was ok, but the number one thing that I felt they really messed up was Bruce Willis’s side kick.

The last movie which I watched over 10times made me laugh and sit on the edge of my seat.

This one had enough action, maybe a tad over the absurd, I’m referring to that scene with the fighter plane and truck. (don’t want to talk about)

The last Die hard Samuel Jackson who brought so much humour to the flick, the chemistry between him and Willis was the shit, I couldn’t stop laughing eish man!

This one just didn’t have any residual of the last movie, maybe Willis in a dirty white vest and blood on his face that’s all.

1 lic with mouth wash dude.

(Miss Wank: Dr Linda has spoken!)