Music: Porcupine Tree – Fear of a blank planet by Mr. Piggy

Like a piece of nice barbecue marinated with beer, this little album (6 tracks) only started to come through my head and intestines after a couple of minutes. More specifically half way through the track “anesthetize”.

While doing the perfect music for the air guitar or air drum enthusiast, Porcupine Tree created a little concept album that really sticks to your ears. It’s progressive rock like you’ve heard before, only still fresh…And I have to single out the tracks “way out of here” and “sentimental” for making me want to go around the block naked while touching myself… Let’s just say that it’s great shit. Already done shit, but great shit none the less.

RIAA this album if you like: AFI, Pearl Jam, Death Cab for Cutie, Pink Floyd, and any good Indie.

8/10 keep listening and it will feel like you’re floating over mountains.

Music: Queensryche – Empire by Miss Wank

As I was listening to this great album, I couldn’t help feeling like I was listening to early Marillion singing Dream Theater songs... Ok so most of you will not have a clue of what I’m talking about, but picture “good Eminem” singing “good Tupac” and you’ll be very close.
Queensryche is part of a generation of metal rockers that is nearly extinct (Dream Theater being one of the few exceptions).

Empire was released in 1990 and it kinda shows.
This is not baby music, no no, these guys were part of the generation that invented metal. Long before Britney Spear’s iBelly, the iPhone or iNike’s iShoes.

The album is really great though, specially “Silent Lucidity” which basically had Dream Theater’s “Repentance” and parts of Marillion’s “Misplaced Childhood” album, written all over it (I know I keep mentioning these bands, but just keep up with me here ok?).

Metal sounded different at the time. It was considered aggressive by those time’s standards, although today bands like System of a Down would just crush their definition of metal to mashed potatoes.
What I most liked about the album though, apart from the overall cleanness of guitars and sound, were the lyrics (remember lyrics? try to listen to 99% of MTV stuff and your brain will explode…)

I do wonder though, with so much great music being released today, why the hell do I only go for the old guys? Hmm…mid life crisis alarm…

Get this album, if you like…well, guess who…

7/10 coz’ it’s “hard to chose whisky, or a wife” (Della Brown)

SM: Normalizing the normal guy

Every once in a while our Sex and Masturbation, I mean, Relationships experts will answer our reader's emails. Please bear with us while we try to fix you.

This week, with Mr. Normal Guy.

"hello,

I'm a railroad tycon and I'm 84.

I've been dating this beautiful 23 years hot model girl for two years now, but we haven't had sex yet because she says she isn't ready, and I totally respect that.
I love her so much that when she had financial diffulties after her dance parlour went bakrupt, I invited her to live in one of my thirteen apartments and am financing her pricy new project, which she doesn't want to tell me what it is because it's a (big) suprise.

Since she was too lonely (I travel a lot), her best friend, John, spends more time with her with my consent. He takes her everywere, and is also her private massagist and tennis instructor. He's a really cool guy that takes care of my love for me. I'm even thinking about offering him another car to thank him, again. Somehow the others I gave him are not enough, he's really into cars, what can I say...

The whole not having sex thing is more or less ok with me. And she seems to cope really well, specially when I'm away for a long time.
But a couple of days ago our butler told me that she and John are...you know...doing the whole oodly doodly thing! I was shocked! I fired my butler immediatly for even thinking that this could be possible, but I think it's not enough, maybe I should hire someone to "make him disappear" and leave us 3 alone...

what do you think I should do?"


Dear Mr. Railroad Tycoon who’s 84.

It’s well known that age gives you wisdom as a result of all life experiences. But ooh not you.

Where da’hell did you grow up?! You little piece of old sun dried human shit! I got a better idea: Give me the money! I could take care of a hot model, You freak!!

Mr. very upset Normal Guy




Neither the writer of this message nor hipbroken can be held liable for your actions after you have read this. Be stupid as much as you want but don't come crying for daddy if something goes wrong. Oh, wait a minute, then again you won't be able to come crying for daddy coz' you won't have any money left, now will you...

Movie: Eragon by Mr.Piggy

Hero n.1: Eragon, duh
Hero n.2: saphira the dragon
Babe: Arya, not to be mistaken with the other Aria (although I wish)
Hero’s teacher: that dude with a beard that used to make great movies
Bad guy n.1: Shade, the chocolate loving, colgate hating sorcerer
Bad guy n.2: John Malkovich… why John??!! Why!!??

Sinusitis or synopsis, whatever you prefer:
It seems that if you hold on to a blue egg the size of a rubgy ball, you’ll get a dragon with a sexy voice and save the world.

Speaking about the dragon, when I was growing up, back in 1940 something, dragons were these mystical beasts that destroyed everything wherever they went. Somehow, somewhere along the line, somebody understood that they were actually misunderstood animals that just needed some love and affection.

I mean all of the sudden, dragons lost their dangerous charm and became fun loving creatures who just wanted to use lipstick and make out with donkeys…
I blame it all on the invention of psychotherapy and Shrek!

The dragon in this movie is not far from that, believe me. It, or she, even does that “wuhaa” thing American soldiers do, after her “rider” (pun not intended!) does a speech. Damn, I loves ze Americans, they make the best pre battle speeches ever. I wonder what they do before sex…

Anyway. As I was watching this movie, I came up with an invention: a special seat inside the movie theater, that you could just lift up and “VOILA!” a toilet seat would appear. It would make things a whole lot easier as far as waiting for the horrible movie (your date chose) to end.
Think about it, time goes faster when you’re sitting on a toilet seat…huh?right?right?

I think this invention would revolutionize Hollywood, I mean, I even thought about what to do with the smell: once you were done, a piece of metal heated at 180 degrees Celsius would come in contact with rose petal water and release a nice and appeasing fragrance….Amazing isn’t it…? I know… Well I give all credit to Eragon, the dragon “rider”, this movie has truly inspired me, even though I slept during most of it.

Lics: 4/10, I’d give more if I hadn’t fallen asleep

Music: Havana - Life by Mr.Guy

Wow.

A breath of fresh air. Havana is like Erykah Badu on steroids (Mr Piggy: You know, Erykah Badu IS on steroids already).

Very similar voice, better looking (not hard to beat Erykah there), better production line. Got productions by Nicolay and Simbolyc One (two of my favourite producers).
Life is her debut album. Neo-soul at its best. Reminds me of Jill Scott when she first came out. Check it out.

8/10 lics

Mr. Guy

Movie: 300 by Dr. Linda

Well I don’t often say this but damn watching 300 half naked men was quite well how to say this without sounding gay….. reverting. (Mr. Piggy: erm, but you are gay...)

Yes this movie by far is the best I’ve seen since Sin City.

The same dudes who created Sin City are the same guys who were involved in this master piece.
Let me give you one word that can encapsulate this great art piece ….. Eish!

Lics Gained
The story takes place in Greece but the cool thing is that its all in English (1st lic)

There are some really hot chics in this flick and guess what… we get to see their breasts. (2nd lic)

The movie doesn’t have a complicated storyline, not many things you have to
remember in order to put the ending together. (3rd lic plus bonus ½ )

The fight scenes were slowed down so every lil bit of detailed thrusts of spear could seen entering and exiting the would be victims (nice one!) (4th lic)

Not to give too much away but every1 dies, I guess that’s where the Greek tragedy saying comes from. (5th lic for education)


lics Lost
Ok this is not nice but I have to say it, I didn’t like seeing the black Persian dudes dying in the first fighting scene at least save that stuff for later like when the actual movie starts, man that was cold made thing of Apartheid and shit. (-1 lic)

The guys names were rather long and hard to remember, like the king shit what was his name Spartacus?, next time please give the main character a easy name to remember like Steve or Mike. (-1 lic)

Other than that it was a really stupendous movie (4 ½ lics)

Movie: The bourne ultimatum by Dr. Linda

Fine it’s the 3rd installment are we ready for another episode of the great Hollywood franchise business well I say hell yeah!
I almost was thrown out of the cinema cause I was screaming yoh yoh eish yoh a lot .
I couldn’t contain myself, the guys who wrapped up this offering knew what the hell they were doing.
It was spicy ,tangy and hot, just like my vegetables.
This series is based on some book, like James Bond.

Well all I can say Matt Damon you rock!
This guy has basically owned the fictional character called Jason Bourne.
The flying kicks and the bullets, music, car chases were really excellent.
4.0 Die hard suck a duck please whilst Bourne Ultimatum takes a bow!

Lics Gained
The actor (not too sound gay ) Matt was hot and portrayed the character in a believable manner, makes you think you can do that shit! (1 lic)

The fact the movie was shot in like 5 different countries was cool, I got to like expand my horizons. (1 lic education )

I loved the fact that they kept his name short and dangerous sounding (1 lic)

Again the storyline was interesting, I like the fact that they actually gave Jason Bourne an objective, I hate those kinds of movies without a clear cut purpose. (1 lic ,for not waste my time and money)

No black guy was killed in the opening scene (just white ppl 1lic)

Lost lics
They didn’t give Matt a chic to bone.
The chic from that movie Last dance was pale and really fat!,that last movie must have stocked her fridge well, damn girl, if you would of lost some weight maybe Matt would of at least given you a shag or 2 (side kick chic was not hot -1 lic)

There is a scene in the movie when Matt is able to gain access to the CIA headquarters and get some secret documents, well I would of liked to of seen how he got in and more importantly how’d he get out? (-1 lic for trying to pull the wool over my eyes tisk tisk)

all in all this move really is smoking, the guys involved in the production all deserve a box office hit.
Hope you guys remember me on pay day!
(4 lics )