Every once in a while our Sex and Masturbation, I mean, Relationships experts will answer our reader's emails. Please bear with us while we try to fix you.
This week, with our very own Aunt Agony
" Dear Auntie,
Ma name iz Joe and I'm 16. Rccently I met thiz girl, and man, she is hot! she's gotz a sporty boddy full of muscles, more muscles even than mme, she's also very strrong and I find everythng about her sexy, even her beard and ocasionnally stronng voice. Her name is Marty, ad it means "little flower" in katmandu. My class mates told me.
Ma problem is that I do not haave the courage to, like, approach her and stuff...you know, tell her my inner feelings and shit...I'm very shy, alsso because I'm a bit blind and ma glasses are very thickk.
On top of that, whenever I try to talk to her, her best friend, who's with her whenever they ggo, attacks me... I still don't understand why, I think she's being overly protecctive, you know. She even tried too make me stopp wanting my sweet Marty by tellling me that she was a boy...cann you bilieve that? How cann she say somthing like that about her own best friedn??
Anyways, Auntie, wat shoul I do?"
Hello Joe, you gay son of a b*****, you little flower.
Marty, Martin or man Marty, is really a female who had an operation and would now like to be a man. So can you now guess what you have to do? I bet you can’t because you’re an idiot.
Let me tell you then, you first have to go to his best friend (who really is by the way his girlfriend) and tell her his real story.
Secondly, as a helpful Samaritan you also need to start spreading a rumour, I mean letting the whole world know who Marty really is, by going to your local newspaper and TV station and letting them know how he was really born.
While you are at it you can also tell them that Marty’s parents aren’t his biological parents and his real parents didn’t love him (Well you might as well tell the whole gruesome story all at once, that are you some sort of pervert and that you would really want to kill him slowly).
Then you go to Marty and try to comfort him as now you are his only friend, since by now everyone should have abandoned him, especially if your story was good. When you go see him, take with you that thing that they use in the movies with a cloth and some sort of spirit that makes people go to sleep when it comes in contact with the nose, you know what I’m talking about hey you little devil ;-), you’ve used it before hey? this will make him voluntarily go into any car trunk.
The next step is to lock him in your house and use him as a ……., do I have to tell you everything? if you don’t know what I mean then you shouldn’t be doing this.
Once you have Marty under custody, now go terrorize his “best friend” for even considering wanting Marty, the law will be on your side, there are many brilliant lawyers out there who would jump at the chance to defend your case in hell. Their contract number is ******** (Mr Piggy: I had to take this number out, as lawyers tend to be funny with their phone numbers),
go ahead and try it, Hahaha.
Neither the writer of this message nor hipbroken can be held liable for your actions after you have read this. Be stupid as much as you want but don't come crying for daddy if something goes wrong. Oh, wait a minute, then again you won't be able to come crying for daddy coz' you'll be in jail, picking up soap bars... right?
Showing posts with label sm. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sm. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
SM: Normalizing the normal guy
Every once in a while our Sex and Masturbation, I mean, Relationships experts will answer our reader's emails. Please bear with us while we try to fix you.
This week, with Mr. Normal Guy.
"hello,
I'm a railroad tycon and I'm 84.
I've been dating this beautiful 23 years hot model girl for two years now, but we haven't had sex yet because she says she isn't ready, and I totally respect that.
I love her so much that when she had financial diffulties after her dance parlour went bakrupt, I invited her to live in one of my thirteen apartments and am financing her pricy new project, which she doesn't want to tell me what it is because it's a (big) suprise.
Since she was too lonely (I travel a lot), her best friend, John, spends more time with her with my consent. He takes her everywere, and is also her private massagist and tennis instructor. He's a really cool guy that takes care of my love for me. I'm even thinking about offering him another car to thank him, again. Somehow the others I gave him are not enough, he's really into cars, what can I say...
The whole not having sex thing is more or less ok with me. And she seems to cope really well, specially when I'm away for a long time.
But a couple of days ago our butler told me that she and John are...you know...doing the whole oodly doodly thing! I was shocked! I fired my butler immediatly for even thinking that this could be possible, but I think it's not enough, maybe I should hire someone to "make him disappear" and leave us 3 alone...
what do you think I should do?"
Dear Mr. Railroad Tycoon who’s 84.
It’s well known that age gives you wisdom as a result of all life experiences. But ooh not you.
Where da’hell did you grow up?! You little piece of old sun dried human shit! I got a better idea: Give me the money! I could take care of a hot model, You freak!!
Mr. very upset Normal Guy
Neither the writer of this message nor hipbroken can be held liable for your actions after you have read this. Be stupid as much as you want but don't come crying for daddy if something goes wrong. Oh, wait a minute, then again you won't be able to come crying for daddy coz' you won't have any money left, now will you...
This week, with Mr. Normal Guy.
"hello,
I'm a railroad tycon and I'm 84.
I've been dating this beautiful 23 years hot model girl for two years now, but we haven't had sex yet because she says she isn't ready, and I totally respect that.
I love her so much that when she had financial diffulties after her dance parlour went bakrupt, I invited her to live in one of my thirteen apartments and am financing her pricy new project, which she doesn't want to tell me what it is because it's a (big) suprise.
Since she was too lonely (I travel a lot), her best friend, John, spends more time with her with my consent. He takes her everywere, and is also her private massagist and tennis instructor. He's a really cool guy that takes care of my love for me. I'm even thinking about offering him another car to thank him, again. Somehow the others I gave him are not enough, he's really into cars, what can I say...
The whole not having sex thing is more or less ok with me. And she seems to cope really well, specially when I'm away for a long time.
But a couple of days ago our butler told me that she and John are...you know...doing the whole oodly doodly thing! I was shocked! I fired my butler immediatly for even thinking that this could be possible, but I think it's not enough, maybe I should hire someone to "make him disappear" and leave us 3 alone...
what do you think I should do?"
Dear Mr. Railroad Tycoon who’s 84.
It’s well known that age gives you wisdom as a result of all life experiences. But ooh not you.
Where da’hell did you grow up?! You little piece of old sun dried human shit! I got a better idea: Give me the money! I could take care of a hot model, You freak!!
Mr. very upset Normal Guy
Neither the writer of this message nor hipbroken can be held liable for your actions after you have read this. Be stupid as much as you want but don't come crying for daddy if something goes wrong. Oh, wait a minute, then again you won't be able to come crying for daddy coz' you won't have any money left, now will you...
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
SM: Aunt Agony Agonizes
Every once in a while our Sex and Masturbation, I mean, Relationships experts will answer our reader's emails. Please bear with us while we try to fix you.
"Hi guys,
I'm so desperate, my girlfriend since high school broke up with me because I did not wash my feet everyday. She said I stink which makes no sense because my feet have always smelt the same. I even won a championship once for smelling feet.
I thought she had fallen in love with me because of that, but she says it was because of my nose, which is funny shaped..But I don't believe her..I know it's because of my feet...
What should I do?"
Dear Psycho,
Of course, she only liked you for your broken nose; From this distance I can even smell your feet.
When you won that competition, what they were trying to tell you was that your feet smelt like an improperly buried, graveyard with 1000 rotting corpses. What I recommend that you do, is to ask a friend to get an axe and cut off your feet.
Don’t worry, I’ve recommended this operation to many people before and all my clients have always come back with satisfactory results. In fact, some were so happy they threw themselves over a cliff because they couldn’t contain their joy.
Don’t worry about pain. If just before your friend cuts off your feet, you start thinking of cats there will be no pain, trust me, this works.
Now I know I’m being extra sweet and sensitive, but I’m not known to be mean and insensitive. So everything I’ve said to you, multiply by 100 to get the real impact of my message.
By the way, the cost of this valued advise is R50 000, 00 excl. VAT. (Mr. Piggy: which for our international readers equals to 6,896.88 USD, axe excluded).
Credit cards are welcome, as are vouchers for restaurants, tickets for concerts (any major band is ok), free car washes, new clothes, a free trip to Dubai, a ferrari testarossa (new), or anything with a real diamond on it.
Aunt Agony
Neither the writer of this message nor hipbroken can be held liable for your actions after you have read this message. Be stupid as much as you want but don't come crying for daddy if something goes wrong. Oh, wait a minute, then again you won't be able to come crying for daddy coz' you won't have any feet to walk, now will you...
"Hi guys,
I'm so desperate, my girlfriend since high school broke up with me because I did not wash my feet everyday. She said I stink which makes no sense because my feet have always smelt the same. I even won a championship once for smelling feet.
I thought she had fallen in love with me because of that, but she says it was because of my nose, which is funny shaped..But I don't believe her..I know it's because of my feet...
What should I do?"
Dear Psycho,
Of course, she only liked you for your broken nose; From this distance I can even smell your feet.
When you won that competition, what they were trying to tell you was that your feet smelt like an improperly buried, graveyard with 1000 rotting corpses. What I recommend that you do, is to ask a friend to get an axe and cut off your feet.
Don’t worry, I’ve recommended this operation to many people before and all my clients have always come back with satisfactory results. In fact, some were so happy they threw themselves over a cliff because they couldn’t contain their joy.
Don’t worry about pain. If just before your friend cuts off your feet, you start thinking of cats there will be no pain, trust me, this works.
Now I know I’m being extra sweet and sensitive, but I’m not known to be mean and insensitive. So everything I’ve said to you, multiply by 100 to get the real impact of my message.
By the way, the cost of this valued advise is R50 000, 00 excl. VAT. (Mr. Piggy: which for our international readers equals to 6,896.88 USD, axe excluded).
Credit cards are welcome, as are vouchers for restaurants, tickets for concerts (any major band is ok), free car washes, new clothes, a free trip to Dubai, a ferrari testarossa (new), or anything with a real diamond on it.
Aunt Agony
Neither the writer of this message nor hipbroken can be held liable for your actions after you have read this message. Be stupid as much as you want but don't come crying for daddy if something goes wrong. Oh, wait a minute, then again you won't be able to come crying for daddy coz' you won't have any feet to walk, now will you...
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Movie: The world's fastest Indian by Ms. Wank
Every so often a little movie comes by that makes my day. The world's fastest Indian is definetly one of these movie. Heck, it made me so happy that I even forgot to put my "massage assistant" on at night.
It follows the story of Burt (Anthony Hopkins), who's an old reformed guy that has this obsession with breaking the speed record on his 1920's bike, a modified Indian.
So he travels from New Zealand all the way to Bonneville, USA, in order to make his dreams come through. During that trip he meets all sorts of colourful characters: a transexual that helps him find his way when he arrives, a Native American that gives him dog's testicles for his prostate problems, a lonely blonde old lady that beds him in exchange for breakfast, an air force pilot that is on leave from Vietnam (this story takes place during the 60's) and whose mission in 'Nam is to drop agent orange on it's forests, etc etc... From time to time he does something very similar to a madiba jive and has heart attacks for fun.
So essentially this is a road movie with some heart into it, although it follows the same old formula of finding the importance of your dreams while breaking the world speed record on two wheels.
6/10 lics coz Anthony Hopkins is the world's oldest player...
It follows the story of Burt (Anthony Hopkins), who's an old reformed guy that has this obsession with breaking the speed record on his 1920's bike, a modified Indian.
So he travels from New Zealand all the way to Bonneville, USA, in order to make his dreams come through. During that trip he meets all sorts of colourful characters: a transexual that helps him find his way when he arrives, a Native American that gives him dog's testicles for his prostate problems, a lonely blonde old lady that beds him in exchange for breakfast, an air force pilot that is on leave from Vietnam (this story takes place during the 60's) and whose mission in 'Nam is to drop agent orange on it's forests, etc etc... From time to time he does something very similar to a madiba jive and has heart attacks for fun.
So essentially this is a road movie with some heart into it, although it follows the same old formula of finding the importance of your dreams while breaking the world speed record on two wheels.
6/10 lics coz Anthony Hopkins is the world's oldest player...
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Reflections by Dr. Linda
And now, a moment of wisdom with Dr. Linda
Greetings everyone, let's hold hands and meditate. I'll hold hands with Miss Wank's little sister, while she meditates on me.
Reflections:
If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.
.
I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.
.
Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?
.
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
.
Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
.
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
.
Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.
.
One should love animals.
They are so tasty.
.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
.
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.
.
The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.
.
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
.
Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.
.
"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep
.
There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning
.
"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk
.
"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours
.
God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
.
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.
.
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station...
what more can I say...
Now breathe deeply, inhale, exhale, oooohhmmmmm.
Thank you miss Wank, for bringing your sister today, her meditations are very very vey good, I can hardly stand.
Don't forget to take your medicine, it's good for you.
This article was proudly sponsored by pfizer, our number one hard-on inducer!
Greetings everyone, let's hold hands and meditate. I'll hold hands with Miss Wank's little sister, while she meditates on me.
Reflections:
If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.
.
I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.
.
Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?
.
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
.
Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
.
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
.
Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.
.
One should love animals.
They are so tasty.
.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
.
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.
.
The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.
.
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
.
Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.
.
"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep
.
There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning
.
"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk
.
"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours
.
God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
.
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.
.
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station...
what more can I say...
Now breathe deeply, inhale, exhale, oooohhmmmmm.
Thank you miss Wank, for bringing your sister today, her meditations are very very vey good, I can hardly stand.
Don't forget to take your medicine, it's good for you.
This article was proudly sponsored by pfizer, our number one hard-on inducer!
Friday, August 17, 2007
SM: Aunt Agony Agonizes (AAA)
Every once in a while our Sex and Masturbation, I mean, Relationships experts will answer our reader's emails. Please bear with us while we try to fix you.
"Hi guys, I'm a 13 year old and I'm in love with my best friend's mom... but I'm afraid my friend might be angry at me and beat me up,even though she seems to be responding to my winks, she even said I was cute the other day...what should I do?"
13 year old boy.
Hi
Dear 13 year old boy, your friend might beat you up, but if he sees that you carry on with his mum and that you make her happy, then he will know that you truly love her, and if he carries on beating you up, then he is just testing to see if you love her. If your friend manages to kill you in one of these beatings, its because you don't like his mum that much and just preferred to die, and escape the tests he has been putting you through. In that case you won't really love her.
Aunt Agony
"Hi guys, I'm a 13 year old and I'm in love with my best friend's mom... but I'm afraid my friend might be angry at me and beat me up,even though she seems to be responding to my winks, she even said I was cute the other day...what should I do?"
13 year old boy.
Hi
Dear 13 year old boy, your friend might beat you up, but if he sees that you carry on with his mum and that you make her happy, then he will know that you truly love her, and if he carries on beating you up, then he is just testing to see if you love her. If your friend manages to kill you in one of these beatings, its because you don't like his mum that much and just preferred to die, and escape the tests he has been putting you through. In that case you won't really love her.
Aunt Agony
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